Hey, I'm Not Going To Judge You...

1. If you always kind of think you're going to die when you fly.

"My wipers are so much faster than everyone else's! Crap."

2. If you've ever been self conscious of your windshield wiper speed level.

3. If you instantly crave mexican food when you hear mexican music.

4. If you've ever brought a magazine to a football game.

5. If you're frustrated by the amount of perfect, thoughtful, fiscally appropriate (ehh....) birthday gifts you find... for yourself.

6. If you've ever been given two sets of chopsticks with the chinese delivery you ordered for yourself.

7. If you always think about how hilarious it would be to write "sexual favors" on the what-this-check-is-for line of your checks.

8. If you've ever been saddened by the fact that Charlie Brown is a cartoon and not a real boy.

9. If you like potato skins and not potatoes.

10. If you've ever thought to yourself, "life would be so much better if I had the body of my shadow" (obviously disregarding the fact that you'd be 10 feet tall).

* One person thinks this post is funny:

Hey, I'm Not Going To Judge You...

1. If you consider shopping cardio.

2. If you prefer books to kindle. It's the romance of the tangible thing.

3. If its ever taken you an entire song to realize you weren't listening to an english radio station.

4. If you've ever worn makeup from the night before to a family function.

5. If you thought you were a total zumba master until you looked in the mirror and realized what you thought you were doing looks a little different than what's actually happening.

6. If you're genuinely convinced that every lane on the freeway automatically slows down once you are in it.

7. If you've ever slept in a ball because there were mounds of clothes on your bed (sometimes a girl just can't be bothered to organize).

8. If you spend hours on jib jab making videos for your own viewing pleasure.

9. If you take off your waist belt before you even start the meal.

10. If you're horrible at beer pong but still believe you really could win this time around.

Hey, I'm Not Going To Judge You...

1. If you consciously wear cuter pajamas to bed (in lieu of your usual retainer/underwear combination) when there's earthquake warnings.

2.  If you care about who won the world series as much as you care about your grandpa's bowel movements.

3. If you give yourself points for throwing on your exercise outfit... even though you never made it to the gym.

4. If you've ever shaved your legs before a pedicure just to avoid the mental preoccupation of "does this woman think my legs are disgustingly spiky?!"

5. If you frequently spoon your blackberry.

6. If your casual, messy bun actually takes about five attempts.

7. If the name of the nail polish is a huge factor in your decision when you "chooz yo cuh-la"

8. If you feel very uncomfortable when a guy recognizes your perfume because you know it means: A) his ex wore the same scent.  B) he is a creep.  C) he is a salesman giving out "free" perfume samples. D) he is a super creep.

9. If you liked Katherine Heigl better when she was in Disney's "Wish Upon A Star."

10. If you only sleep on one side of your bed because you saw a spider on the other side... three weeks ago.

Hey... I'm Not Going To Judge You

1. If you expect your girlfriends to be honest, but expect your boyfriend to always tell you your butt looks great in those jeans.

2. If you eat the cheese off the wrapping of your In N Out burger... it's that good.

3. If you have to change the font from blah Times New Roman in order to get your creative juices flowing.

4. If you feel slightly badass when you leave the gas station without pressing whether or not you want a receipt.

5. If you bought your Halloween candy a week in advance... but had to purchase more the day before Halloween... Halloween ghosts ate it...duh.

6. If you're team Swift no matter what the real situation was. I hate you John Mayer and Joe Jonas... I hate you!

7. If the only glue you own is false eyelash glue.

8. If you've ever searched for your cell phone when you were on it.

9. If you feel slightly connected to a car when you drive next to it for an extended period of time... that honda and I spent an hour together! I'll miss it!

10. If you're just a mean person without carbs.

Hey, I'm Not Going To Judge You

1. If your internal dialogue includes rap phrases but you are a white female... example: while in the garage getting a diet coke you internally say-with swagger- "it's got in hot in hurrrr," or "it's hard out there for a pimp."

2. If you've ever made yourself cry watching 90's country music videos on YouTube.

3. If you eat ice cream for breakfast without thinking twice about it.

 4. If you comb your hair into weird styles (Mohawk, Cindy Lou Who) when its dirty... just for fun.


5. If you make your boyfriend's bed every time you sleep over but you rarely make your own (it's all an allusion boys).

6. If you distrust skinny chefs and fat yoga instructors (they're obviously not buyin' what they're sellin').

7. If you mummify your hand before killing a spider.

8. If you miss Britney and Justin in all their matching denim glory.

9. If you ever feel weird walking around naked in front of your dog (they can't tell... right?).

10. If you're still just a little tiny bit afraid of the dark.

Hey, I'm Not Going To Judge You...

1. If you're in your twenties but you spill food on yourself more than a kindergartner.

2.  If you miss trick or treating... when else do you get to parade around town having your outfit praised with candy?!

3. If your collection of vintage watches is purely for style's sake, not actual... time telling.

4. If you believe MTV's "Teen Mom" is a riveting social commentary that cannot be missed!

5. If 80 percent of your decision making process in the toiletries aisle is based on scent.

6. If you sometimes consider a hangover a sickness (you do feel horrible!).

7. If you get more nail polish on your cuticles than your actual nails when you give yourself a manicure (some things are better left to the professionals).

8. If you wear a new piece of clothing several days in a row when you first purchase it because you're so excited to have it in your wardrobe.

9. If you still think "that's what she said" is funny.

10. If the "Stars Without Make-up" and "Guess the Cellulite Butt" editions of the tabloids are your favorite (we all need a little pick me up from time to time). 

Image 1 via HappyHourMom.com, Image 2 via Ydblogz.com

Hey, I'm Not Going to Judge You...

1. If you lower your standards (just a tad) for men with accents. That jobless Australian? ... 'ello mate!

2. If you believe you too could look just as good as any celebutante if you also had a personal trainer, chef and extensive hair and make-up crew.

3. If you're secretly happy when the barista flubs your order and gives you the full-fat latte instead of your non-fat skinny alternative (if you didn't order the calories, they don't count).

4. If you love little kids, but also love giving them back to their parents when they start crying or filling their diapers.

5. If you try to make every Halloween costume just a little bit sexy. "Yes, I have a frightening mask on, but look- here are my boobs!"


6. If you consider boiling cooking.

7. If you agree to go golfing with your boyfriend only because you've mentally planned an adorable, preppy ensemble.

8. If you start thinking about what you want for Christmas... in September. It's generous of you to give advance notice. 

9. If you act candid when the camera comes out even though you're positioning your arm in it's "casual skinny" pose.

10. If you still call your mom when you can't find things at the grocery store.

(Photo 2 via Leecothran, Photo 3 via Forbes)

Hey, I'm Not Going To Judge You...

1. If you count butter as a calorie-free ingredient while cooking (hello, it's necessary- haven't you seen Julie and Julia?). 

2. If you put on just a touch of mascara before the gym because you know cute treadmill guy will be there (woman with false eyelashes on the elliptical- I am judging you). 

3. If you splurge on special, out-of-your-budget items every once and awhile (it's called coloring outside the lines- live a little Wells Fargo). 

4. If you think potty humor is hilarious (hey, everyone poops. Except girls.). 

5. If you consider your cell phone more of an appendage than an accessory.

6. If you buy the cheapest gas for your car and the most expensive shampoo for your hair (your engine doesn't need to be shiny and frizz-free).

7. If sometimes you only feel like shaving when you're expecting a visitor. 

8. If you enjoy top-shelf liquor and cheap eats (Veuve Clicquot and Kraft Mac and Cheese, party of 1). 

9. If your favorite part of baseball games is the beer... and tight baseball pants. 

10. If you instantly dislike anyone with mushy, personalized licence plates. 

Photo: Femme Tales