Speaking Girl

Sometimes girls say what they mean... often they don't. I decided to play a little game called "speaking girl." In each article I will decipher the real meaning behind what a girl says. Of course, there are exceptions and some translations depend on the relationship you have with the person, but for the most part, here's the cold hard truth.


1. She says, "I'm really excited for new things to come." She means, "screw that wretched bastard. I hate men."

2. She says,"she's nice." She means,"she has no defining qualities and I don't really like her. 

3. She says, "no, I don't want more bread (or whipped cream, or sinful toppings on my frozen yogurt)." She means,"Yes, I do."

4. She says, "you guys are the cutest couple ever!" She means, "you take the exact same picture in the exact same pose in a million different locations and it makes me nauseous."

5. She says, "I have a stomach ache." She means, "I have period cramps."

6. She says, "I think she and I are facebook friends." She means, "I've stalked her on facebook."

7. She says, "you look so different!" She means,"you look worse than you usually do."

8. She says, "no, no flowah on my big toe today, thanks." She means, "I will never want a flower on my big toe during a pedicure. Stop asking me. Stop asking all people that are over the age of nine." 

9. She says, "oh, I'm not really asking for anything this Christmas." She means, "I want diamond stud earrings, a cropped mink coat, new boots, a trip to France..."

10. She says, "please let me split the check with you." She means, "please allow me to look like I am a self sufficient and independent woman that pays for her risotto... even though if you do accept this offer my card will be declined because I maxed it out at Neiman's earlier today... Okay.... don't accept, don't accept."